me: accidentally types a website wrong into the search bar

google chrome, for the rest of my life: you want to go to netfliz? you like netfliz you dipshit? you really sure you don't want to go to netfliz.com today?

I had too much caffeine today and I'm going to die

@brogepi The Regents exams are subject area exams administered in New York public schools. Today was the English Language Arts exam. Source: I'm a teacher in NYC and proctored it.

One of my teeth that ISN'T a wisdom tooth is falling apart now and I'm losing my mind, this is literally my worst nightmare as in I've had nightmares about exactly this happening

On the latest episode of my podcast, do we arrive at a discussion of Waluigi's possible humiliation kink within 5 minutes? Of course we do

weaponizedlanguage.com/hack-th

Split the UK into two countries: The Celtic Union, and England. England can fuck off outta the EU.

@actualgarbage
The self-serious comic relief character, like a gun nut or red herring villain or something

@actualgarbage Nah, you look like the guy who gets extremely bit and then sacrifices himself so everyone can escape, just laying on the floor with a handgun, screaming at the zombies through gritted teeth something tough like "Come and get me you sons of bitches!!"

today’s humidity presents: looking like the guy in a movie trying to hide a zombie bite from the rest of the group

I got to sleep in an hour today cuz it's exams week and the shifts are weird!!

I'm sure I used to be a racist little shit head, but I still never once in my life said the n-word with my big white mouth, that would be fucking insane! And obviously it would be yet another reason not to admit me to Harvard!

I drank 4.9 million beers yesterday and now I feel like wet dirt

The guy behind me at 7-Eleven saw me using the tap-to-pay feature, so he pointed at the chip reader and said "You have to put it in there" and I said "Nope! It's a tap" as my transaction completed and he didn't respond or apologize or anything.

Blinded by the Light will be very good, it has to be, for my emotions.

Oh there's a Maleficent 2, huh.

Toy Story 4 next weekend!

Okay movie time, i forgot my portable battery and my phone is dying bye!!

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1. Be cool 2. C'mooooooooon 3. Niiice